


Everything was Fun and Games

by jetblack_sun



Category: The Iliad - Homer, The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Genre: Gen, achilles and menelaus together have half of a braincell, and odysseus with sleeping schedule, i ship diomedes with chaos, paris is always a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:21:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29635254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jetblack_sun/pseuds/jetblack_sun
Summary: Everything was fun and games until Achilles put in that bullhead of his that Hector was cheating in their matches.Everything was games since Odysseus was a programmer and the head of the most played RPG of all time.Everything was fun because Patroclus and Helen were the best duo to ever be paired together.
Relationships: Achilles/Patroclus (Song of Achilles), Achilles/Patroclus of Opus (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Andromache/Hector (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Helen of Troy/Menelaus (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore)
Kudos: 23





	Everything was Fun and Games

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PygmyPyromaniac](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PygmyPyromaniac/gifts).



> I blame [this](https://jetblack-sun.tumblr.com/post/643645277808492544/o%C3%AC-i-want-that-kissaroo) [that](https://tandemunicycle.tumblr.com/post/643706153840377856/i-blame-jetblack-sun-for-this-context-gamer-au) and [them](https://tandemunicycle.tumblr.com/)

" _Dude,_ _you need to chill._ " Menelaus' voice came from the phone speaker. " _In the rate you're going, you will go gray and have a stroke before thirty. Just breath, Achilles."_

Achilles breathed loudly and Menelaus sighed. They were having this conversation for what felt like the thousandth time. Achilles would go play a friendly match with his friends, who would call _other_ friends and _friends of friends_ and both Achilles and Menelaus would end up in the exact same conversation topic again: _Hector_.

"I do _know_ he's using a cheat mechanism and I will do _not_ stand this kind of behavior." Achilles said right after the match was over and Hector's team victorious. "You know that too, Menelaus, you _saw._ "

He didn't saw shit. But he also knew that Achilles wouldn't shut up and calm down until his boyfriend came home from God-knows-where he was and coerce Achilles into a less irritating state of mind. Even if Achilles was a pain in the ass, which he was, Menelaus was still his friend.

" _Right,_ " he said. " _If you're so adamant about Hector's methods of playing, you can come over here. We're gonna get Odysseus lazy ass and put him on monitoring duty while you play against Hector. What about that?_ "

Achilles smiled brightly. "I knew we were friends for a reason."

* * *

In the third ringing, Helen answered.

" _Hey, Pat._ _You can come in, the door is unlocked_ _,_ " she said. Helen lived in a very nice part of the city, with her income as an influencer being really high and constant. One week ago Helen DMed him on Twitter, asking if he wouldn't like to make a collab with her, which he accepted, of course. They meet each other at uni and became friends instantly, being Helen the one who introduced Patroclus and Achilles, all of them bonding through D&D.

And almost 10 years later, there he was, in a very nice house of a very nice neighborhood with a very nice girl. A girl at least a hundred times champion of almost all the gaming competitions Achilles and he played at. Patroclus chuckled.

Helen was currently living with Andromache, her best friend. Unlike the majority of Helen's friends, Andromache didn't really care about silly games, but she was the first one to cheer for Helen when she started her streams. When Helen introduced them, Patroclus took an instant liking for Andromache. And talking about her, she was the one in the living room when he entered their shared house.

"Look at him, if it isn't the Twitter prince entering my humble inhabitancy," Andromache said, not moving out of her settee, where she was drawing. 

"Look at her, if isn't the person who- honestly, I don't even know what you are doing now, but I guess it's something cool."

"Changes are good things." Stating Andromache liked to change was an understatement. The last time Patroclus heard about her, she was teaching mountain climbing, right after quitting a body piercer job. ' _It's nice to have a change of air_ ', she told him multiple times after multiple extremely different jobs and hobbies. He liked the inconstancy about her.

When Patroclus was about to ask her to go with him to Helen's office, Helen came downstairs with her hair in complete disarray - what would be the first time in _ages -_ shouting at them.

"Guys!" She grabbed Patroclus' arm, kinda smiling, kinda in panic, looking between Patroclus and Andromache. "Odysseus created a new mood on his RPG! And he invited the Trojans to the try out with him and- Pat, Patroclus, baby Pie- He- He did it openly, he wants a fight!"

Odysseus was another friend of them all, always the computer guy. Once he gained enough money in his " _adult job_ " - his mother's words - he was finally able to quit it for a while and chase his dream of being a programmer, so he went there and create a full RPG world, stupidly called The Odyssey, abbreviated TO. In a short period of time TO became one of the most played RPGs of all time, being the most remarkable trait of the game the _rooms._ Each room was a _world_ , a place disconnected from the other rooms, somewhere in human history, mixed up with mythology, folklore and/or fairytales. You could choose the fictional characters Odysseus designed - Andromaches' drawings, of course - or be bold and create your own crew inside the game. In the crew mode you were able to add more players, create teams, fight against other players or team up against the NPCs. Every once in a while Odysseus would come up with a new mood on the game, to keep the challenge, and every once in a while he would invite a professional team to try out with him in a live.

The Trojans, on the other hand, were sort of frenemies with everyone. Hector was their leader, even if Cass was the creator of the team. Their siblings Paris, Polyxena and Troilos were part of the group as well. Helen, Menalus and Achilles were all part of their main rival group, Danaoi, with Big Boy Ajax and Nestor. Odysseus was on good terms with everyone, even if he was friends with the Danaoi first.

Helen's enthusiasm, however, came from the fact that Odysseus didn't pick sides. Never. He never invited any of his friends to fight against him in a match. That said, if he was really putting up against the Trojans, something was going on.

Patroclus and Andromache followed Helen into her office, where her life as a fashion designer and gamer blended together. Odysseus' live was already on her screen, where he was awaiting for the Trojans to show up. 

"Do you think he has something in mind? Odysseus, I mean. I know he is not the fairest player of them all, but sometimes his antics are a little... mischievous, putting it mildly." Andromache asked Patroclus. Andromache had a thing going on with Hector for a while and they're honestly really sweet with each other, but she wasn't blind to the fact that Hector wasn't a fair player either and she recognized _his_ antics too since she was worried about him.

"I guess so? I don't know. He said a couple weeks ago that Diomedes wanted a new mood, but he didn't elaborate. Honestly, I thought it would take some time for him to show up with something."

Diomedes was a jerk. But he was _their_ jerk. Dude became so rich doing the dumbest things on YouTube and now he did nothing more than make life miserable for other people with his money. By other people, he meant his friends. But he was Odysseus' investor, so they didn't really care. Diomedes was the one who asked for a room on TO where the main goal was _to_ _piss Achilles_ _off_. He was a delight to be around, really.

Helen was posting on her Twitter like crazy when she turned slowly, staring at Patroclus. "Menelaus DMed me. He is with Odysseus right now and he told me about what this is all about. Odysseus created a mechanism, Bad Pony or some imbecile name like that, to caught every player with some sort of cheating program. They are going to put three duos in the same arena to fight 'till death after dueling with NPCs in rotation. They asked me if I could play with Andy since he is going to enter with Odysseus. Hector and Paris accepted to go, too." She was dead serious and a little pale, the gears in her brain at full speed trying to decipher what Odysseus had in mind.

"I think it's better if you play along with Pat," Andromache said while sitting on the spare chair. "I don't really want to play against my boyfriend nor against Odysseus, it would be a slaughter." 

"What do you think, Pat?" Helen asked with mirth in her eyes. "Smash those losers' asses and record a cute video after?"

Patroclus snapped his fingers. "I'm in."

* * *

Hector was confused, to say the least. 

Usually, Odysseus was a nice pal. _Odysseus_ helped with his team design, _Odysseus_ helped with sponsors and _Odysseus_ was the one who didn't like to interfere in gaming competitions.

Hector still remembered when Odysseus said he wouldn't let the Trojans and the Danaoi create rivalry chaos in his beloved TO.

" _With all respect, which is none,_ " Odysseus said, " _I would prefer to put my arm as a tribute in a 15 feet tall wolf's mouth than leaving your teams in the same arena._ "

And that was _why_ Hector was so confused. Paris was the one who saw Odysseus' character and his duo first, the user _SpartanSon_ glowing red against the green glow of Odysseus' name. Right after, Hector saw his girlfriend purple user, _BattleCry_ , besides Helen's pink _PinkPunk_. And then, all six were standing in the arena, waiting for the first boss. Helen and Andromache were going first, Hector and Paris second, Menelaus and Odysseus the last.

A caption showed up on the screen for the players and the viewers, in Odysseus' colors.

_My friends, we are here today to present you all with a new form of battle mode. Welcome to our Beruna Arena!_

The arena stands were in their fuller capacity with other players watching and cheering, like in the Roman Colosseum. Odysseus continued his opening speech.

_Your fighters 'till death of today are going to be: me, clearly, paired with our dear brute Menelaus of Sparta!_

And more cheers, which Hector thought were coming from the FPS community Menelaus had raised.

_Our great and beautiful friends, Helen the Killer and Andy of Spades!_

Helen public cheered for her and Andromache, even if anyone knew a fuck about who she was. Hector cheered in silence, too.

_And, of course, two of the favorites of you all, Hector and Paris from the Trojans clan._

And with a last roll of cheering, the games began.

* * *

Odysseus was hidden behind two of his largest screens. In one, all the data of the Beruna Arena insider area, where the players were fighting. The data showed everything: the kind of controllers they're using; if it was a keyboard or a joystick; the hardware in their PCs or consoles, and the last and most important: their software.

Odysseus was very familiar with what Menelaus was using, since it was _his_ character, in _his_ PC. Achilles was playing on Menelaus account and was currently being beat to a pulp by the Andromache girl.

"Oh, come on!" Achilles shouted. "Who the hell she think she is?!"

"She thinks she's beating _me_ to a pulp, and since she does live with my girlfriend, I guess they're having plenty of fun." Odysseus heard Menelaus' voice with a shadow of a smile in his tone. "Hey, Odysseus, do you think it's going to take long to analyze Hector's system?"

Odysseus stared at the data being read by his own system. Helen was the first to be read since she had the majority of the kills and damage points, Andromache really close to her.

Odysseus' second screen was showing their match. He lifted his eyes right in time to see Andromache's character empale Achilles with her spar, hearing Achilles scream-cry coming from the other side of the room. 

Both Menelaus and Odysseus managed to not laugh too loud at their friend, who jumped off his chair and threw himself in the settee behind Odysseus. "Well, you can't say now that she is cheating too. She's is using Helen's spare PC, and Helen loathes cheating." Menelaus said.

Achilles didn't say anything, opting for sulking in silence.

"I'm in," Odysseus said. Hector's data was there, the automatic reading eager to find some sort of cheat. "Menelaus, can you stop attacking your own girlfriend and aim for Hector and Paris? I need to check something."

Menelaus didn't reply, aiming for Hector in full force. Achilles laughed when Menelaus' move made both brothers crash into the wall. Odysseus knew that when a character took a large amount of damage while in a cheat program, their data would change. It was like a glitch, but with numbers. Hector's data was fine, even if he was about to die.

"Well, my friend, I guess you're just a sore loser," Odysseus said, turning his chair to Achilles. Paris data reading was the next, and Odysseus didn't think the sneaky bastard had enough guts to put a cheat program in _his_ game, all things considered, but since they were already there, why not?

* * *

Patroclus smashed Menelaus' ass. Helen had barked a laugh so loudly it startled both him and Andromache. "Eat it, you piece of shit!"

"Girl, he's your boyfriend." Andromache giggled.

"Good for him, I guess." She said. "Oh shit, now Odysseus is in tow. Pat, can you please insert that pretty spar of yours right up in Paris ass? He's so annoying," Helen sighed, trying to escape Paris' constant blasts, "leave me alone, you stink bastard!" She screamed at his character.

"I don't think Achilles would like the idea of Patroclus putting his spar in someone else ass." Andromache deadpanned, making the other two laugh.

Patroclus was aiming for Paris when Odysseus suddenly attacked both the Trojans, crashing them into the wall. He, then, went on full force against Paris, stabbing him with his sword multiple times. So, Patroclus went for Hector, who was raising in Odysseus' direction with his arrows.

"Oh no, you won't." And then Patroclus' spar was in Hector's head, ending the rest of his lives.

"You go, boy!" Helen said. "Now come here and help me with this bitch."

* * *

"What the fucking hell was that?" Menelaus said. "Wasn't Andromache dating Hector?" He asked Odysseus. He shrugged.

In the short period of time where Menelaus wasn't watching the screen, Helen's knives were flying on his back. Both girls were now standing behind him. He left Paris barely-alive character there in the ground and began to attack the girls.

Andromache and Helen's skills were so fiercely interconnected that both Achilles and Odysseus couldn't stop staring at them. Odysseus almost missed the reading data, Paris binary code changing _so slightly._

"Menelaus, wait-" Odysseus shouted, but it was already too late. Paris arrow punctured Menelaus' neck, killing him instantly. "This motherfucker was the one using the cheat, Achilles."

"I knew someone was cheating!"

"It didn't change that you're a sore loser," Menelaus said, sitting beside Achilles.

"I never said I wasn't, but at least I was right." He crossed his arms and smiled brightly. Odysseus was still watching the screen.

"Well, well... Let's see if he's good enough against the girls without his little help."

Achilles stared at the screen "Wait, are you saying you can break into his PC?"

"What the fuck, Achilles? This is illegal." Odysseus laughed. "No, dude, I'm gonna block the system he's using in the game. Everyone with something similar will suffer the same consequences."

"Which are?"

"They're going to lose everything they have on the game, including their level and items."

"That Pony mechanism of yours is incredible." Menelaus blunted.

"Her name is not _Pony_ , Menelaus. But since it was Achilles' vendetta against the Trojans, her name will be Trojan Horse, because that girl _kicks_ like hell."

"Meany Pony is coolest." Both Achilles and Menelaus said. Odysseus rolled his eyes and turned to finish his programming.

"Well, that's it. He is _their_ problem now."

* * *

Helen was having the time of her life. Patroclus killed Menelaus and Hector, Paris killed Odysseus and now she was one of the last ones standing with a companion. It would be _so_ fun to end that little shit whole carrier with a combo.

So that was what she did. 

Both her knives and Pat's spar flew in Paris' direction. Her knives reached his stomach and Patroclus spar his head.

Their duo was victorious. The first duo to win the Beruna Arena.

Odysseus' character raised from the dead with a wind vortex around him, captions appearing again.

_Thank you. Thank you all. I must say that the turn of events here today wasn't expected by us all, but it was amazing regardless._ The character turned, staring at both Helen and Patroclus. _Helen_ , _Andromache. Wouldn't you guys like to say a few words for our amazing public?_

An invitation appeared on Helen's screen, asking her to turn on her camera. Odysseus wanted her to show her face.

* * *

"Well, I won't accept if you don't want to." Helen turned to Patroclus. He shrugged. Helen accepted.

Her face glowed above her character. "Hi, everyone!" She smiled. "First things first: eat shit and die, Paris."

The audience clapped again and Andromache laughed behind them.

"Secondly, I would like to thank Odysseus for inviting us to play today. Today was the first time we did it in a live and properly compete against each other, and I am proud to say that we won. By we, I mean, Andy was not the one playing with me today. She doesn't like to play that much, but it was easier for my companion to play on her account since it was the one already logged on." Said that she grabbed Patroclus' by the collar and showed him on the camera.

"Hey, guys."

And all the hell broke loose.

* * *

Nor Helen or Patroclus touch their cellphones since the end of the match. They indeed recorded a cute video to post on Helen's YouTube channel later that day and took at least a hundred photos together. When was time for him to come back home, he finally saw his notifications.

His Twitter user was mentioned _so many_ times that his cellphone almost stopped working when he entered the app. The tag #PatRobbedUs was trending with full force. The main verified account tweeting about it was _a_ _KILLeus_ , fucking Achilles.

Most of the tweets talked about how Patroclus was so ridiculously good it was probably against the laws of nature, and how he was wasting his time playing cute clever games like Celeste, Luna The Shadow Dust or even _Hades_ because they wanted him on FPS and RPG now. Oh, well, he was fucked.

Achilles posted the following poetic words:

> _I can't believe my own husband smashed my ass like that. Meany._

Only to be replied by Menelaus with:

> _It's not like he doesn't do it every_ _night_.

And with that, Patroclus drove home. That was going to be a long night with Achilles whining. At least he was going to smash some ass again, though.

**Author's Note:**

> Never in my whole life I wrote so much as I did for this story. Thank you, Rose, from Tumblr, to put up with my bullshit. That's for you <3
> 
> The arena name, Beruna, came from Narnia. Book and movie, the Battle of Beruna is my all-time favorite scene.


End file.
